Chapter 30 – The Bangalore Wedding

The stage was set and everyone was excited for the ultimate day of first of the two weddings. My folks; 10 of them landed in Bangalore to show up for the wedding ceremony. They were only 10 because Kapoors just wanted to display their presence at the Bangalore bridal because according to them the actual wedding would take place in Jaipur . So just for sake of courtesy few of my uncle, aunts and cousins made it to the 1^st marriage ceremony.

Natrajans sent few of their kinsfolks to welcome Kapoors at the airport. Kapoors were received with garland and music band, precisely how they show in the movies. But to me it looked fusion of 2 poles apart ethnicities because, one the composition played by the band resembled more of a traditional south Indian wedding day melody and 2^nd the garlands were so small that it looked like that Kapoors have arrived to Hawaii.

Natrajans had sent 3 cars to pick all them up. Kapoors soon after a theatrical welcome began their voyage to the centre of the Bangalore. Most of the Kapoors were visiting the Bangalore for the first time and did not know the magnitude of the difference in road travel between Jaipur and Bangalore. People who have experienced journey to the old Airport in Bangalore would appreciate the following piece of writing. The three wagons started at around 7 pm in the evening en route for a plain 15 km distance. It took round about 2.5 hrs to cover that distance. Now by the time we were half way through after roughly 1.5 hrs; all Kapoors including Mr. Kapoor were so aggravated that they practically decided to walk down the remaining trip on which Mr. Natrajan clarified that even if they walk; the car and the stroller would reach at the same time which helped Mr. Kapoor and others to change their mind in a jiffy. After an hour of snail paced journey all of us finally made it to the wedding hall where all of us were given rooms to stay all the way through the wedding period.

The next morning was the wedding day which opened with the breakfast. Since I had an evil experience with the food last time; I took additional measures to alter the menu into an amalgamation of pakodas and Idlis. Not very surprisingly only 1 Idli was consumed in 10 Kapoors. I was having the breakfast with complete indulgence when I saw that all Kapoors were standing close to the hand wash zone and debating on something very grim. When I investigated then I learned that one of my cousins “Akbar” was even bigger menace then my father in food and he was just sickened by the food which was served.

What else he expected ?

The wedding began by getting me prepared in Dhoti and a wraparound for my upper body but due to my muscular body --->

I shillyshallied a bit and I was permitted to wear the vest.

The entire observance was just about mantras and shlokas. One after the other there was a bombardment of rice from different angles from the countless people who were witnessing the carnage of yet another couple. It’s customary to hurl a small amount of rice on the couple which is getting married after a specific word from the Priest/Scholar/Pundit as a blessing. It was only then I comprehended that a lot of people weren’t very cheerful with this wedding of south and north because no less than 3-4 times someone almost poked my eye out with some extreme shots of rice right into my eyes. It took me just those many times to recognize that the safe word is “Swaha”; so whenever the Pundit says “Swaha”; shut your eyes . People tried to hurt me again and I encountered the assault fearlessly.

2 of the 3 Kapoors of one family got along very well with Natrajans because of their talent to communicate in English; apparently not many people can do that; Akbar, Jodha Bai (Akbar’s wife) and Hamida Banu Begam (Akbar’s Mother). Throughout the wedding Akbar and Jodha Bai were the only 2 people who frequently had dialogues with almost all Natrajans otherwise the wedding felt just like a movie theatre where people watch the same show but don’t talk to each other.

The next ritual was the Kashi Yatra, Kashi yatra is the ceremonial where the groom pretends to leave for Kashi, a pilgrimage center to devote himself to God. He carries a walking stick and other meager essentials with him to imply that he is not interested in becoming a householder. The girl's father intervenes and requests him to accept his daughter as his life partner. He exhorts him to fulfill his responsibilities as a householder and thus follow what is written in the scriptures. The groom relents and returns to the pandal where he is received by the bride.

When I came to know about it; a impish plot began to cultivate in my head and I planned to make Natrajans run for their money but I guess Mr. Natrajan understood me too well and held my hand so tight that it turned into a red hand in few seconds but I just knew the instant where the pundit would ask me to go to the pilgrimage. The moment came; as soon as Pundit asked me to leave I shuddered which got me my hand on the loose from Mr. Natrajan’s clutch. As soon as I become conscious that I am free; I sprinted towards the pilgrimage, I just never looked back, I ran and ran till all the roaring and chaos faded away. I stopped and I looked around; the flora and fauna around me went stand still, everyone was looking at me because they had never seen a south Indian groom like this,

running loose like this before. I looked back; 2 of Deeps cousin were galloping towards me and a much acquainted black car of Natrajans pulled over next to me. I sat in the car next to Mr. Natrajan and asked him “Will you again send me to pilgrimage” and I giggled but I guess he almost had a heart attack and did not appreciate the mockery of the event. We came back and I encountered lots and lots of red and yellow faces but later everyone chuckled on what I gave them; I am sure that they have and will never get to witness something like this in their entire lifespan.

The wedding ceremony was completed, we shared the rings, I tied mangalsutra to the bride and we were finished, I mean we were married . People came and passed on good wishes to us and after some more continuing sacraments we were taken to an inside room for lunch along with all close family members of Kapoors and Natrajans. Since the food was not the same for both the families I predicted no complications but how can wedding survive without a toxic snag. One of the Natrajan was speaking to Deeps in Kannada while we were seated down; eavesdropping to which I was broken-hearted because I knew that my kin will not like it. Apparently the cook has misplaced the chapatis that were particularly brought for Kapoors and now they are left with just 8 chapatis and we were 11 counting me in addition. Seeing the sensitivity of the situation Hitler came up with a dazzling strategy. Hitler requested Kapoors that in their ritual this lunch must comprise only rice because anything made of wheat is just not auspicious for today. All Kapoors gave murky looks but what anyone can say against the rituals in India the plot worked and Natrajans just had a narrow escape from what could have been a gruesome incident. Kapoors somehow accomplished the meal and went for a stroll without any delay; understandably; to have actual lunch minus any rituals

The day was concluded and all the guests were gone, it was mounting darkness and soon a roller-coaster journey which lasted a day was finished. I and Deeps were sitting and chatting on the stairs of the community hall where we just got married for the first time. Hitler came and objected that we weren’t still married and hence we are not supposed to be meeting and nattering like this. I made a request Hitler just 2 minutes to have a conversation with my half wife which she approved with an obnoxious stare.

“Congratulations”, exhausted Deeps could not believe that the wedding was through

“Yes, same to you too, barrier 1 of 2 is over, get ready for part 2”, I winked at her

Hitler called Deeps and this time she had to go, I too got up and went to my room. All Kapoors were enthusiastically stuffing their belongings to catch an early morning flight back to Jaipur. I took a deep breath and began pulling my stuff together, after 20 minutes when I was done I just wanted to doze off to the bed. I recollected the entire day and there was a grin on my face, a smile of triumph. I shut my eyes and I went astray in the world of profound siesta.

Chapter 28 – North vs South

It was a distinct juncture for me because in previous 6 years this was merely the 2^nd time my parents planned a trip to Bangalore. The first time was when they came to unload me. After everything it looked like that finally we will have what me and Deeps craved for. It was agreed that my parents (Kapoors) will go to Deep’s house and will meet the girl. That means they have silently agreed for the wedding but now it all rests on how Kapoors and Natrajans get along in this whole development.

We in a little while grasped that we have the gravest situation among us related to Kapoor’s visit of Natrajans. The frightening question was what to cook for Kapoors when they visit Natrajans ? Mr. Kapoor barely enjoys anything apart from Pakodas and sweets. More than Deeps I was anxious because Natrajans might get snubbed because of this. Moreover, it might never occur to Mr. Kapoor that it is the question of his son’s wedding.

“Should we prepare Chapati and Sabzi ?”, Deeps submitted the safest selection

“The safest route would be something deep-fried”, I said

“But my mom wishes to cook south Indian food because she is good in it, not in north Indian cuisine”, she said

“I understand but what is the use if he won’t even touch it ?”, I responded

“Look, if someone comes to your house, what do you offer ? Will you prepare what they eat specifically of will you cook the best of you ?”

The argument had a weight to it and my mother also agreed to it, both of us assumed that even if he does not like it he will eat it considering the criticality of the situation. So I made a suicidal judgment and permitted “Rava Idli”, which Deep’s mom is skilled in.

The judgment day arrived and Natrajans invited Kapoors for breakfast. We arrived on time. Natrajans welcomed us with open arms and with lots of respect. They were looking forward to have a delightful conversation. We seated down and I started to feel a little jumpy thinking of near future. Now It all depends on what my father thinks because if he decides NO, means it’s a NO. Deeps came and greeted my parents and in a while Natrajans began serving us the breakfast. As soon as Deeps served Idli to Mr. Kapoor I missed a heartbeat after seeing his reaction.

“Idli ? Is this Idli ?”, he asked Deeps twice

“Yes it is”, Deeps Replied

“I don’t eat Idli”, he replied plainly and gave Deeps back the plate without any additional thought

As anticipated he wasn’t thoughtful enough about the circumstances at all and this move made Deeps terrified. But straightaway her mom came for the rescue.

“Do you eat Masala Dosa ?”, Deep’s mother asked my father

“Yes I can have that thanks”, my father answered

When he said I was once again calmed but not for long because it struck to me that he will not even eat that. In north India Dosa is served with Sambhar and in south Indian Dosa is served just only with Chutney and icing on the cake is that Mr. Kapoor HATES chutney. Hence even if he will be served with Dosa, he will not eat it. And yet again he substantiated me accurately, when Deep’s mother served him the dosa, he looked at my mother and asked,

“How should I eat it, there is no Sambhar with it ?”

“Deeps do you have any Sambhar prepared ?”, I tried to salvage the situation

Deeps almost sobbed which made it clear that they don’t have any Sambhar. Seeing this Mr. Kapoor said its ok he will manage.

He will manage !!!! how ? Oh yes by not eating it J

And I was full on money because at the end when he left the plate the entire dosa was dissected but wasn’t eaten.

After breakfast it was time for Kapoors to talk to Deeps and after few rudimentary questions my mother asked Deeps a droll question,

“We live in Jaipur and it will be hot out there, how will you manage ?”

“We will put AC in each room”, she replied outspokenly, thank god she did not say that we will move you all to Bangalore.

They had a pleasant conversation, mostly between Deeps and my mother after which we left Natrajan palace in harmony. Since my dad did not eat anything we went to a north Indian restaurant. While eating he simply condemned the relation because the girl wasn’t gorgeous.

“I don’t know what you saw in her ? She is not that attractive”, he said

“I know but I am also no Shahrukh khan if you see carefully”,

I was just annoyed by the fact that he is still looking for tasteless justifications to pull me out of this.

That night he came to me and wished to talk further on this with Natrajans. I guess after thinking about the whole thing he was ok because I anyways indicated that if not now then later but Deeps is the one whom I will eventually marry. I gave this news to Deeps and we finalized a day for them to meet and talk further.

The day arrived and Natrajans came at around evening time with some customary gifts which must be given the first time girl’s parents visit the Guy’s house. My father asked both of us to disappear so that only they can talk money. Both of us went to the terrace and started speculating about the talks. Deeps unexpectedly started crying.

“What happened ?” I asked

She said “What if they don’t come to any consensus and say no to the wedding”

I reassured her and said whatever it is, if they won’t agree then we will try further but we will walk down the aisle only if they agree to this relation. She was ok after the reassurance and we continued talking about general things. After around 30 minutes my father called me up and asked us to come down. When we entered in the room the atmosphere appeared heated up because Deep’s mother was sitting with a depressed expression and her father looked agitated.

“We have not discussed anything yet because we could not go ahead of the very first topic”, my father said

“What is that ?”, I asked

“Where the wedding will take place ?”, he said without any expression

“We want it to be done in Jaipur because it’s first one in the house and they want to do it from Bangalore because it’s the only one in their house”, he shed light on the tricky situation

“Yes we knew that this point will come and I have a solution to it”, I said

“Whats that ?”, Mr. Natrajan asked curiously

“We will perform the whole wedding ceremony 2 times; both in Jaipur and Bangalore”, I offered the way out gently

“What are you talking about, it does not work like that”, my father was infuriated after listening to this

“Look you have been debating on this from last 1 hr and you do not have any other option then to get us married twice. Everyone will get what they want”, it was an honest bailout plan

“Ok then let us think on this and let’s talk after that”, Mr. Kapoor said

“Ok, then we would like to leave now”, Mr. Natrajan stood up to leave

I am not sure what else was spoken other than wedding location because Natrajans left the house in complete annoyance which wasn’t a noble sign. Later in the day Deeps and I spoke to each other and came to the inference that it will not work like this. We have to coordinate everything from now on. Natrajans must express only to Deeps and Deeps must convey the message to me and I should tell the news to the Kapoors. We decided to do this because both the families don’t understand each other’s language, both families appears to have some self-esteem issues and no one in both families is a decent negotiator. From that day onwards we started working according to the plan. I was talking to my parents and she was with her and we discussed each and every demand from either families and discussed them with the opposition. It looked like that things finally beginning to fall in place. Both the families were glad with the developments because all of them eventually were getting what they hunted for.

We were getting married two times, Natrajans asked my parents to pick the first spot of wedding; Bangalore or Jaipur, to which Mr. Kapoor bewilderingly agreed for Bangalore. Understandably because after wedding both of us must stay in Jaipur for some time and meet all the relatives.

Deeps called me and said that her parents want to discuss the wedding dates with Kapoors. I informed my parents that Natrajans will be calling you to settle the marriage dates. After few minutes Deeps called me,

“Congrats”

“What happened?”, I was scared because there was supposed to be a discussion between Natrajans and Kapoors

“We are getting married on 24^th Feb and then all over again on 1^st Match”

“Congrats to you too”, I took a lungful of air, I was never more relieved.

Chapter 27: The Unexpected

 

The feedback established by Deeps was not so good and not so bad. Natrajans had already decided that they will get her married to me but a grave question still lingering around in their mind was, how honest the guy and his background is ?

“I guess they will call me a couple of times and will question me to know me better”, I told Deeps

“May be, I don’t know”, she said sheepishly
I was pretty peaceful after talking to her parents and was convinced that things will go smooth from here on.

Shortly it was time for me to go to Jaipur and on this occasion it was Live free or Die hard. Since I had already spoken to her parents; it was time now to give my parents a shocker, my mom by now had an impression about it but dad wasn’t aware of it.

“I wanna talk to you”, I told my dad, I was nervous

“What ?”, he asked

“There is a girl called Deeps, she was with me in college, I want you to meet her”

“What is the necessity of all this ?”, he responded infuriated

“Why did you have to go that far to make a relation?”, he almost yelled at me

I kept quiet and paid attention to what he is saying for next 10 minutes. It was obvious that he had to display his rage because he is father and had to rubbish this conversation initially but none of his questions and reasons indicated that he is not rejecting it either J. Well, I did not try to argue further on this and allowed this thought to sink in him.

A week after I was back to Bangalore Deeps called me at 2 pm on a Sunday afternoon, which is a very odd because usually her parents are there in the house the entire day.

“Hi”, I said startlingly because I don’t anticipate calls from her on Sundays

“How are you able to call today ?”, I asked her

“My parents are not in town, they have gone to Chennai”, she said

We spoke for some time and just about the same time I was getting another call, it was my mom.

“I am gonna have to call you back, my mom is calling”, I told her

I hung up and I rang my mom,

“Hello”, My mother answered the call

“Hi Mom, tell me, you called ??”, I asked

“I have news for you”, she said it very melodramatically

“Yes, what is it ?”, anticipating no big deal from her.

“We had visitors today in our house”, her tone changed from histrionic to cryptic

“Ok, Sooooooo ?”, I also adjusted to her tone and asked carelessly

“Where are Deepti’s Parents ?”, she asked

“They have gone to Chennai …………. ohhhh shitttt”

It instantly transpired to me the well-conceived plot by Natrajans. Everything became translucent, the address she took from me, the excuse to go to Chennai. Everything started falling into place.

My mom recounted the complete incident,

My mother was sitting in the living room when she heard the door bell. She opened the door and found a couple of strangers. They introduced themselves as Deep’s parents. They did not want to warn me or my parents because by unexpected visit they just found out the real us or else we could have fabricated our appearance if we had known that they are coming. Deep’s mom did not talk, she just examined the house. She was terrified and concerned. All the talking was done by her father. My mother then called my father to come home and when he arrived, they surprisingly had a pleasant and smooth conversation. Deeps parents gave an account of the witty incident occurred with them at the railway station. From Railway station they called up my house and they asked for Anky. Startlingly Anky came on the line, it astonished them also because Anky was supposed to be in Bangalore. They told Anky that they are in Jaipur and wanted to know if my parents are at home or not. Anky on the other side asked Natrajans who are they and who is Deeps ?? I don’t know any Deeps. Listening to this Natrajans almost had an heart attack, after all this if Anky is saying that he does not know Deeps then what will happen ? After few seconds of argument they were positive that Anky has made fool out of them and their daughter. But they just wanted to confirm this and teach Anky a lesson; hence they carried on with the plan to go to his house. Later they discovered that it was a wrong number and the most bizarre coincidental thing was that even on that wrong number they found an Anky. How many Ankys are there in Jaipur ??

I was almost paralyzed after learning all this from my mother and now it was Deep’s turn to get some shockwave therapy. I am sure that she was more than stunned because when I told her this she could not speak and she was scared till death,

“What will happen now ?”, she asked while sobbing

“Nothing, they will be convinced and comfortable about me”, I relieved her

The following day Natrajans came back from Jaipur but did not talk to Deeps. They knew that she knows about their trip but they themselves did not want to conclude anything and did not want to give any thoughts to Deeps, hence they called me one more time.

“We went to your house”, Hitler said without any expressions

“Yes I spoke to my mother, she told me”

She then told all her experience in my house and they narrated the “Wrong number” episode. Hitler told how she liked the place, food and shopping. And finally they came to the earth-shattering question,

“So when can you get married to her ?”

I was taken aback by the unexpected question, but I dealt with it.

“As soon as I will complete 2 years in my current profession because I am not able to take care of myself; How will I look after your daughter ?”, I defended

“No no no that’s not possible, you both will have to get married within 3 months”, Hitler just did not want to listen anything

“If we will do it late then people will ask questions”, she said

“Ok tell people that we have got her engaged, they will stop asking questions”, I offered an honest resolution

“No no no, just talk to your dad and wrap it up”, she was ready to get me married in next 1 hour

I guess she still suspected my character and she was frightened that I will flee !! Why everyone judges me by my face !!! I look like thief but inside I am just a crook !! he he he

“What about further studies after marriage ?”, She asked

“Then who will feed your daughter ?”, the comeback which shunned any further likely debate

It was a reasonable progress but I wasn’t still certain of next step. I spoke to my mom and she persuaded my dad to come to Bangalore to talk and finalize things, to which surprisingly he agreed. They decided to come to Bangalore in next 4 months, both of us were very glad because the dream seen by us 15-16 chapters before was in fact would be turning into reality very soon and without any major obstacles or did we just presumed that little too soon ?

Chapter 26: The Trap

 

I soon started enjoying the bureaucrat work atmosphere because Joke Factory gave me loads of leisure time, time to relish the paid freedom. I was placed in that very office where Joke Factory had kept a television, perhaps the only great thing ever done to its employees. Initially I was waiting on a word from higher executives about my project allocation but sooner I realized that they have forgotten me !!! 1 month, 2 month and 3 months passed and my daily routine was,

# Come to office and Swipe in

# Go to library and check mails

# Go to cafeteria and have breakfast

# After breakfast go to the recreation room and watch Television all through the day

Official and the social life was going on pretty smooth until Deeps slapped me with a shocker,

“I have told my parents”, she said

“What !!” I almost vomited out the McVeggie burger was clinched on to

“Yes, from last few days they have been talking to people about my wedding, so I had to do something”

“What did you do ?”, I asked curiously

“They told me that a guy is coming tomorrow to see me”

“Ok, then what happened”, I was frightened to ask this question because she might have done Jhansi ki Rani

“I said no, for which my mom was very disappointed and she asked if I was seeing someone”

“Okkkkkk, what happened next ??”

“I said Yes”, she said candidly

And here goes my burger

The burger came soaring out of my mouth, out of the blue all the pleasure turned sore, her parents now know everything and if they are not tolerable about it then they might do something about it. She told me a number of times that her father has loads of contacts, which includes EVERY kind of person.

What if he gets livid ? He might send people to kidnap me or even beat me up !!

“Hey by the way, what does your father think about it”, I asked unnervingly

“He does not know yet”

“What do you think will happen when he will know about us ?”, I was all set for the abduction

“Nothing, he will scold me”, she said dejectedly

“What will happen to me, I mean will he hurt me ?”, I awkwardly posted the question

“Ha ha ha, hey he isn’t like that, you chicken, ha ha ha”, she could not stop laughing when she learnt what was I thinking

“So what now ?” I asked

“Nothing, you have to come to my house and meet them”, she said calmly

My heart sank, I could not think of anything else but me getting beaten up by some goons . I know that she affirmed that her father is not like that but I never said that these assailants will be sent by her father, they will be from Hitler

The day arrived when I was asked to meet her parents,

“Any final minute instructions ?”, I called Deeps and asked

“Just don’t be yourself and rest would be excellent”, she said unperturbedly

I was disgusted because I had to pretend, typically I act dim-witted and I am constantly sarcastic. Plus I was asked to cover my grey hair and put on decent formals. I hated nearly everything about the pre-requisites of the meeting but it had to be done.

I reached her house 10 minutes prior I was supposed to. Since I have been to her house before; it wasn’t intricate for me to locate it. I rang the bell and her father opened the door,

“Hello Sir”, He welcomed me with a immense delight

The reception felt that they already have made a decision that I will their son-in-law and they will just tell me how to handle the wealth they are going to give me, I mean us

I entered and the scene inside was breathtaking because the very picture of it took all my breath away. Deeps was sitting on a chair in a corner and at the centre Hitler sat with a notepad, she wore her emblematic atrocious gaze. It appeared as if it is going to be the most evil interview of my life because Hitler is all set to make an inventory of things based on which I will be thrown out of Deeps existence.

I tried an innocent and a terrified look, the plan was to receive fewer injuries from the brutality I was about to face in next hour.

“Deeps has told us about you and that’s why we wanted to meet you”, future father-in-law was thrilled

“What is your caste”, asked the cold Hitler, suppressing the relieve established by the previous question

“I don’t know ?”, I said,

In my house we never talked regarding caste. I knew I was Hindu but that wasn’t adequate because there are castes inside castes inside castes and EVERY SINGLE SOUL IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT.

“What ?”, Hitler went pale, it was as if I had told that I was already married !! With 2 kids !!

“I mean I am Baniya”, I handled the situation without any delay

“Ok”

Mother-in-law and Father-in-law argued something in Kannada which more or less was “His caste is okay, I have several business clients of the same social group and they are excellent people”.

I guess they chose Kannada to converse because I did not know the language, at least that’s what they thought

After a concise debate in the local lingo which I don’t understand; Hitler turned towards me and asked again

“Your parents sent you to study then why did you do this ?”, she again posed a delicate issue

“It wasn’t deliberate, it just happened”, I tried to dodge the question but she wasn’t convinced

“What about your parents, do they know about it ?”

“Not yet”

Hitler again conversed something in kannada with Deep’s father which was roughly meant “He has no balls to tell his parents, ask him when will he tell his father and see how he will chicken out”

“When will you tell your parents ?”, Father-in-law asked promptly

“If you agree to this relation then I will tell them the next time I will go to my home”, I perfectly played according to their plan, in fact I did not have balls to tell my father yet L

I started learning kannada from the day I landed here; not to make an impression on any girl but to survive well in an unfamiliar land. In 4 years I had managed to understand all but speaking is still a hitch. This effort in learning Kannada was getting paid off today because their plan was,

# They will pose complex questions in front of me

# My responses will be discussed in Kannada among them and since I am a north Indian; I don’t recognize the language + Deepti wasn’t permitted to speak

# Based on the planning they would aim to ambush me

Little did they know that I arrived fully equipped. For each question I had a lip smacking reply standing by for them because I always knew what they are expecting

Quickly the conversation was over and they asked me my house address, the Jaipur’s address. I hesitated,

“I just want to do a light background check for my satisfaction, I have many clients in Jaipur and I will request one of them to do a little enquiry”, Hitler said

I was okay with the justification and gave her my address. Few minutes later I was given some snacks after which I asked to disappear. It wasn’t that terrible, it could have been awful if I had not known Kannada

Chapter 11: We lost Cricket World cup finals, Damn it.

Third Semester started with a breaking news that Patti who was a day scholar till now have decided to move into the hostel . This was great news because now the back bench group could always be together in the hostel. Patti entered in the hostel with bursting enthusiasm. Patti was greeted in the hostel with ostentatious celebration.

Ummm not this majestic but we had an arrangement for him . All of us in the hostel had gone through extensive amount of agonizing ragging, thanks to the dementors like Chu Chu, Acharya and Dhar. They made us STRONG. Yes strong, we strongly hated them and we could not digest that someone tries to skip that and get into the hostel when all is ended. Anyways when he entered inside the hostel all dementors called him and took his introduction and assigned him a job to memorize the names of all the dementors. He was given me, Arnold and Mahajan to assist him with the names. He was unquestionably in excellent hands . We gave him all the accurate names apart from one. We told him that the name of one important dementor is Chaman (Means stupid). He wasn’t very sure because he sensed something was fishy but because he was new, he had to abide by what we say, so he committed the name to his memory.

Have you ever come across the situation when you took a tough method to face the trouble and your co-worker took a shortcut to face the same problem without any pain? And later He/She laughs on your face proving that you were a looser, look at me I accomplished the same with no dilemma. I am talking about the pleasure when their shortcut bites them in their ass . It was pleasurable to see Dementors molesting Patti just because of Chaman.

Cricket fever was going on because cricket world cup was happening and the exhilaration was there because India made it to the finals. The opponent was 2 time world cup victors Australia. But we were self-assured that India will come out clean and will overpower Australia to lift the cup . The match could only be watched at the hostel recreation room where a television set was kept. This television set showed only solitary channel, Doordarshan. It was ok until and unless match is on it. The recreation room was jam packed and those who did not get seats were standing and watching the game.

         Match began with a balanced Australia Batting. Srinath came to bowl 7th over and got hit for 16 runs, straight away people started relating themselves with his mother and sisters but this was just a start. India went on yielding easy runs and Australia kept on scoring until in 13th over Harbhajan claimed Gilchrist’s wicket. As Doordarshan showed Gilchrist walking back to pavilion, people in the hostel recreation room in fact started spitting on the television and showed Gilchrist their middle finger. Anyways then came the captain Ponting and rest became history, later in that complete Australian innings we heard things like,

Rest of the hostel to Bhutani (He is from Delhi), “Saale Nehra ko ghar pe baitha ke pakode banwa usse, bowling uske bas ki baat nahi hai” (Ask Nehra to cook pakodas n the house, he can’t bowl for nuts)

Rest of the hostel to Arnold and other kannadigas on each occasion when Srinath was hit for a boundary and he was hit A LOT, “Abay Srinath to spinner hai fir ye fast bowling karane ki koshish kyo kar raha hai, samjha na usko kannada me” (Why Srinath is trying to bowl fast, isn’t he a spinner ?? Go make him understand this in kannada)

Rest of the hostel to Shah (He is from Gujrat), “Ye Zaheer khan ko paisa de ke national team me bharti karwaye ho kya ??” (Have you guys bribed Indian cricket selection board to take Zaheer Khan ?)

Complete hostel to Ponting on his each boundary, I truly can’t write what all Ponting had to hear that day but think of this that on his each boundary he was gaining plenty of relatives from our hostel, particularly son-in-laws and fathers because weirdly that day each person was after his daughter and his mother !!!

But that was not it, people were still upbeat that even after posing a mammoth total Indian batsmen can still retaliate. Indian innings instigated with the plunge of Sachin Tendulkar in very first over. Abruptly there was a rampage in the recreation room, half the crowd instead of cursing Tendulkar and Mcgrath, cursed Tendulkar and Mcgrath’s mothers for no reason and left the scene. After a short time it looked like India is fighting back. People who were still expectant were motionless and people who left after Sachin’s wicket came back when they heard that India is recovering. But sooner it was evident that this is no contest, it’s just a one sided match .

As soon as last Indian wicket was chopped down each hostelite went wild , they broke all the stools and they tore out all the posters in the activity room. Some even tried assaulting the television but warden came for its rescue and little did he know that if not TV then it will be him, in fury crowd gave him respectable thrashings. All came to know about that when warden was frantically looking for the wrongdoers with a left black-and-blue eye and a puffed-up right cheek .

Well he did not get anyone because he could not recognize anyone that day but he kept looking for the grounds and circumstances to confront any of the hostelite. Atlast he got that opportunity, me, Arnold, Mahajan and Ghosh regularly fantasise about the wonderful coconuts on the coconut estate next to our college and one bright evening we decided to catch flavour of some. We made 2 teams of 2, me and Ghosh, Arnold and Mahajan. We entered into the estate and went in 2 separate directions and contracted to notify each other if someone comes by. The goal was to gather as many coconuts as possible and get out of there in no time, then relish them back inside the hostel the entire late afternoon. We arrived at our first stop where these 6 incredible green coconuts were inviting us like Smriti Virani used to invite inside her house in Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi start off credits. 1 and 2 and 3, we picked 3 stunning coconuts. All of a sudden I heard a grave noise “THUD” and next moment I could sense a blinding pain on my left butt. The caretaker of the estate was standing right behind me and he caught us red handed, he spanked me with a long stick. Ghosh blocked him before he could give me any more blows. I was thinking what the hell, why didn’t they alert us!!! The caretaker was busy in shouting on us but me and Ghosh eye witnessed something extraordinary, I have seen Usain Bolt running and I have also seen Vampires run with a speed of light in English movies but I undoubtedly remember that, that day Arnold and Mahajan did not even come for our rescue but they ran, they ran for their existence . Even if there was a vampire there that day, that also could not have beaten them. Both of them were like “Jesse Mach” (The rider of Street Hawk), the only difference was that they needed no street hawk.

Chapter 6: Mess wali Aunty

It was pretty difficult for us to get accustomed to the south Indian food in the beginning. The lone explanation for that was, we never tasted the actual south Indian food before coming to Bangalore. Like how we eat food from different cuisines, south Indian food gets the identical treatment in North India. Let me enlighten, I am very certain that if you ever stumble upon authentic Chinese or Italian food you will not be able withstand even its smell. We make an Indianised version of it, in plain words; until it’s made Punjabi we can’t eat it .

South Indian food suffers with the same destiny in North India. My north Indian brothers and sisters who have never been to south India will not trust me if I tell them that Masala Dosa is not eaten with Sāmbhar!!! That's true. Before I came to Bangalore I never heard of Rasam and now that's perhaps the most excellent thing I desire .

It was extremely hard for us to get attuned to the food at the same time we were exposed to the hostel mess/canteen. This mess had a very well-known fact; if you live to tell the tale about your first meal in this mess then nothing can kill you food wise!! That's correct. I passed this food experiment with flying colors . The hostel mess was run by a fat, 40-45 years with a little moustache possessor aunty. She was the primary vendor and caretaker of the mess accompanied by “Raju”.

Before I talk about aunty lets know a little about Raju. Raju probably was the prettiest male in the hostel , few guys in the hostel who could not think straight, guys who were member of FOSLA and APAHAS, all had hots for Raju .

FOSLA – Frustrated One Sided Lovers Association

APAHS – Acharya Patashala Association of Homosexual Students (I hope this is right)

I came to know about actual Raju when he started serving the food. Our mess was like, where you go with a plate and they will fill up each section of the plate with different preparations of the day.

 

So I was as usual, with my plate, always first to arrive at the mealtime, went towards the food counter where we were typically given these choices,

# 4 Chapatti, if you want more you have to give up rice.

# 1 Dal

# 1 Curry

# Rice

# Sāmbhar and Rasam

# Curd

# Papad, if you want more you have to give up curd.

“Raju Khana de”, I said (Give me some food)

And Raju, who appeared hygienic today, had a wired smile on his face . He came forward with 4 chapattis. He kept chapattis in my plate and looked around; I was the only one in the mess and suddenly without any warning he grabbed my hand. I was taken aback by his action. Next moment all creepy thoughts started flashing in my head

“Izzat pe Hamla !!” (Act of molestation !!)

I flicked my wrist with an obvious reflex action and screamed,

“Abay saale tujhe sharam nahi aati kisi ki izzat pe haath daalte huye” (Shame on you, are you trying to assault me?)

And there he is smiling yet again!!

Later on I learned that he had taken such shots on countless guys in the hostel. He got abused badly sometimes, some people even started thrashing him and there were times when he got lucky too

On one auspicious day aunty and group prepared a special meal on the event of Diwali, “special” signifies the one sweet dish which can be used as the weapon of mass destruction. I am sure if you hit someone with that it will strike hard and recoil back to you and guarantee of elimination of the target is free . I started eating the meal cheerfully and then I saw one stunning, adorable, little but not so desirable cockroach waiting to cut loose between the pongal (Khichdi). I am talking about a breathing creepy-crawly in middle of my food. It was my first time and therefore I was very annoyed. I went directly to aunty to exchange some blows. I showed her my plate and yelled,

“Ye kya bakwaas hai” (What the hell is this)

Aunty, “Kya hua beta” (what happened son)

“Aray ye cockroach nahi dikh raha kya ?” (Cant you see the cockroach)

It took practically about 3.25 seconds to alter the expression of her face from normal to expression of grief with a tear and she responded in god knows version of Hindi,

“Cockroach nikla to mai kya karne diya, itne logo ka khana banta hai cockroach gir gaya to mai kya karne diya”, (What can I do if there is a cockroach in the food)

I was enraged but then a dementor, Shah came and calmed me down. He said that things like this happen frequently here and you can’t help it. He even said that it’s famous in this canteen that if there is a green leafy curry on the menu then there is most likely a branch is missing from the close by tree. I comprehended that quickly and was never troubled about any pest from that day. I just used to set them free before continuing with the food.

One fine day when aunty was serving, I asked “Aunty thodi subzi do” (Give me some Curry)

Aunty looked at me but was busy with something. Her right hand was over her left shoulder and it was moving up and down, up and down, up and down. I requested another time, “Aunty thodi subzi do”

This time she noticed me and relieved her right hand which came back to regular position to hand me out some curry but as her hand came back from her left shoulder to front I figured out that while she was busy in doing a routine of up and down, she was doing it with the help of a ladle (The big spoon which is required to serve the curry). And then in terror I saw that ladle go straight into the same curry which I was asking for. The same fucking ladle which aunty just used to scratch her ugly sticky back. I swear I could not eat the food again in the mess until I saw aunty leaving to her hometown and someone else was in charge.